Revelation

When your WHOLE ife is portrayed by a stranger, it changes you in so many unthinkable ways. I don't know how I feel. I don't what to do. I just feel like all the things i did in the past is something I could never imagine doing again.

Maybe this is a good thing. When people say, everything happens for a reason, now i know what they mean. There will always be a reason why things happen unexpectedly. We, as Muslims, are being watched in every single thing that we do. But we tend to forget that. Especially when we're having fun.

The bad side of the story is that, whatever bad choices i did in life, hoping that no one would find out, I was wrong. My whole life story was out last night. I'm a disappointment to all. There's nothing else that I can do but to change myself and repent. This is all still new to me. I'm still trying to accept this. And when my head is clear, I will then make the decision that will entirely change who I was. I hope that the people around me could accept the change no matter how big it is. But if they don't I know i'm not meant to be with them. And that's a loss.

The beauty of the English language

It hurts my ears when people say food with an "s" like foods. There is no such thing. It is gramatically incorrect. Can't you tell the difference? Food itself is already plural and it is uncountable. Ergo, food will always be pronounced as FOOD!

So, I keep on wondering about the language. Why is foot in plural is feet and food is still food and feed means a totally different thing. Who are the people who found these kind of words. It doesn't make sense and it's confusing (for some people). But still, I admit, the grammar of the English language is simpler than the Malay language. Even though, it's my mother tongue, I still find it hard to understand. Hehehe

Back to English, I know I'm not that good in English, but I just love the language. That's why I'm still sticking with Bachelor of English Language and Literature. It inspires me.

Why do I even bother?

"People come and go", as they say. I never thought that this applies to the people I call best friends. Sometimes, when they act like that, I feel like I'm not good enough to be their friends. That's negativity talking again. If i try to be positive, they are the ones who are not good enough to be my friends.

Breakfast, lunch, tea breaks, and dinner. We used to go to stuff like that. Not that it bothers me that it stopped. I can tolerate with busy schedules, but what bothers me the most is that, I am no longer in all of that. True friends huh?

Well, if I am still the person I used to be, I would definitely bitch about every single one of you. But now, even though it hurts me, I'll shut the fuck up. And to stay positive, I won't even bother. Thank you very much for hurting me. Now I know how much I really mean to all of you. Thanks.

Romance

A friend of mine once said, "when you're in love, you tend to be philosophical and sometimes lame."

That's true I guess. You start to compare everything with quotes and life lessons. When you get your heartbroken, it's not that you lose something or someone, just think of it as, you become wiser. You know not to get yourself into the same situation, you know how to deal with it, and you just have to let it go.

So, the next time you're in love, just savour it, while it lasts. Don't think of the future because it's not in your hands, don't think of the past because, why bother? Romance is in the present. Not in your memories nor what you hope it can be. I have always thought that saying "I love you" often can make the meaning less than what it should be. But that's me, looking at only the negative side. But when you try and look at the positive side, it can mean that everytime a person says i love you, it means even more, that's why he/she is saying it. To make it as obvious as it can.

I have been afraid of opening my heart and taking the leap. It is now time, that I should. Whatever it is, i'll try. How hard it is, i'll get through it. Even if it doesn't end in a happy ending, I'll be grateful that it happened. I'll start growing up and moving forward. I know I can.

Don't be mad kay baby?

I just love the text you gave me last night, and how sincere you were. My mood is now gooey ooey because of you. I love you baby. I may not show it that much, but yes. Thank you baby, for being so sweet to me. I love you.

My Mr. Handsome gave me this last night as a deal for something sweet that we should exchange with each other. So, I'm going to be all romantic and appreciative and make him a bit annoyed and mad at me for posting this. Haha. But baby, please don't worry much, no one knows who you are. =)

I miss you baby. I miss you more and more everyday. I love you
baby. I love to have this feeling and I love to love you. I love talking to you at night. Whenever I’m having a B+ day, your presence make it an A day. It is great to have you most of the time. I just hope that you’ll always be there for me for the times to come. I love you Nur Hazirah. Night.

You make me happy every single day baby. I love you. Because of you, I'm listening to Boyz II Men non-stop. Hehe.

The bad habit

It all started when I was 16. The year that changed me. This was the year I was isolated from friends at school. In my school, the peer pressure is really tough. All people care about is being pretty and popular like it matters. I have been true to myself all these while. I never stopped being me. Expressing my thoughts and opinions, how I carry myself and stuff like that. When I was practically rejected in social groups at school, I decided to turn to something I know would never treat me that way. Ciggarettes. I started smoking during and after school hours. And when a friend of mine saw the cigg box in my back pack, she told everyone and that made my life worse. I had no friends, no one to talk to, and yes, I spend my recess at the back of the school building smoking.

Since then, I started smoking on and off because I want to gain back the friendship. But it lead to me smoking for good, and I dont keep in touch with my friends any longer. So, when I finished school, I lead my life according to me alone. No support system, nothing. I started appreciating myself and thought that no one can make me feel like I can never be myself. So, I did everything I could to build up my self esteem. I am now the person that grew up alone trying to figure out what life really means. But the habit is still with me.

Now, honestly, I have no regrets whatsoever. But the bad thing is I'm still smoking. It consumes me. When I don't smoke, I get jumpy and restless. My lips are turning black. And I just dont think I can stop smoking. My mom caught me a couple of times, and today was the worst. Its not that I want to break her heart by lying about smoking. But the fact that, she doesnt understand me. She didnt ask me what is going on, she just flipped and cried. I have a reason as to why I have not stopped smoking. Smokers know what is the reason. It's VERY obvious. It's addictive. I am so attached to smoking, it is all I think about when I'm dead bored. It's the guilty pleasure.

I would like to focus on getting my life back on track, build my parents trust, and stop all the bad habits. I don't know if I can do it. I need a support system. But as parents, mine dont know that. I dont need lectures from them. I just need their support. If only they'd understand that.

Thank you baby

This is for somebody really special in my life.

I am at lost for words when describing how I feel towards other people eversince I found out that my previous boyfriend cheated on me. I had a rebound guy, and after that I just feel like screwing guys around for once. I wanted to be the jack ass for at least once in my life. I never thought that I could open up to anyone else. As much as I want to be in love, I want to hurt people more because I, myself do not want to ever feel hurt again.

Things took a turn when Mr Handsome came into my life. Knowing his past, how he was towards other girls, I definitely thought he's the perfect guy to be my experiment of me being a jack ass. It was hard, when I realized that I had feelings for him.

It was hard for me to admit my feelings but as soon as we first hang out, I was willing to admit to myself that I will not turn down a chance for me to be happy. Mr handsome is the end to my every day. We don't text constantly, but I know that I need to at least hear his voice at the end of the day. Next thing I know, I am falling for him. I was able to say the words that had a huge impact on me. You know when people say, "when you smile alone, that means you really mean it", well yeah, I'm going through that. I cant help but to feel butterflies, smiling like I dont have a care in the world, and most importantly when he texts me. Any time of the day, it will always make me smile.

So to Mr Handsome, thank you. I'm falling head over heels for you and you make me feel like I'm the luckiest person alive. You really mean a lot to me. You know it was hard for me to even hear the word, but now, all I can say is that I love you baby. I really do. Thank you for making me believe in love again (although I still think it's a bit cheesy to say out loud). But YES, i am in love with you.

How I have changed

Honestly, if I was still in school and I was given the chance to meet the present me, I would definitely bitch slap her this instant. I am not happy with what I have become. I'm a totally different person. Like TOTALLY. Let's start with the basic things shall we? Music per say, is something I take very seriously. I used to be so into Classical singers like Nat King Cole, George Michael, Eric Clapton, Elton John, Ray Charles and so many more. I even fought with my ex back then about these singers. How I perceive them shows that I am unique, I dont follow any trends, and I love the way I am, and if someone were to fall for me, they would accept me the way I am including the songs that I listened to. But the present me? All she thinks about is dance music and having fun. When I really think about it, dance music is fun but it never really connects with me. You may say that I'm culture shocked, I can even admit that for myself, but now, I just feel like getting rid of the present me and go back to the old me that Zelfann said was fun. The original me. The one who stays at home and find things to cook at home and enjoy what I used to love.

I spent my saturday night at Starbucks Jaya One P.J with my sister and looked around the bars they have there and the songs that they play. One of the bars, played almost ALL my favourite songs back then. And in an instant, I am back to falling for them. Now, I just feel like chilling at that kind of places and enjoy the music rather than going out dancing. It turns out, Mr handsome kind of have the same interest as me. So, I wouldnt mind being the old me again.

I've thought about changing myself countless times, but now, I guess I'm changing for good. Accepting the fact that I can be happy by being only me and not pretending to fit in with other people. I guess I needed this all these while.

Feeling like a boss for a day

Working in general is boring. Though you like the job, it will still get you to the boring phase. But for today, amazingly, it's not that boring. My boss told my colleague to bring the contracts to Lembaga Hasil Dalam Negeri (LHDN/Income tax HQ) and bring me along. So, I thought that she would be driving and I would help her carry some stuff. Instead, my boss arranged a car for us with a driver. Cool isn't it. We rode the car like we're the bosses. It's a mercedes. Though I know everyday when I go to work is with my dad's car, also a Mercedes, but this comes with a chauffer. It felt amazing because I am only a temporary staff but I am able to experience what it feels like to be a so called *boss*. Hehehe. Then, I remembered, I have an office of my own. A room with a door, my own table, my own pc, my own phone and 2 extra chairs. Even my colleague's desk is in a cubicle. This is fun! Aaaaaahhhh what a life.

It's all about getting enough

Today, somebody from the contracts department called me about my contract with Shell. The thing is, I don't even know how much they're paying me. If its according to my last year's paycheck, I'm fine with it. It definitely is more than enough rather than working at a shopping mall. So, I checked with my boss, and he said to let the department call him and he will settle it. So when he did, he came to me and said, "If you're wondering about your paycheck, i'm raising it a little bit higher than what you used to get because of your experience". Oh My God!! I can't stop smiling. I don't know how much it is. But I can't wait to see the contract. Woooohooo! Thank you Mak, for introducing me to this job.

Now, my resume is inclusive of working experience with Shell for 5 months as a Scholarship Coordinator. This is sooo cool. I'm utterly happy. And I won't have to worry about not having money to spend. The first thing I want to do is to shop for new work clothes. I look like a kid in a big office. I need something formal yet casual enough that I can wear anytime, some wedges and a brand new handbag.

Weddings or Marriages?

The two VERY different words yet, it is always confused with one another. Am I right? Most girls talk about weddings, the details, colours, invitation, place, and what not. And others talk about the years of relationships, how many kids, place to build a home and such. What kind of girl doesnt talk about this kind of thing? Most of them do. What I can say about weddings or marriages is only ramblings. I dont have the intention, or the effort to come close to it.

The way I see it, I WANT to get married at 30. Is it too late? For me, I dont think so, but because of my parents, I have to get married at least 27 for me to have a perfect womb and hormone balance. I imagined myself getting married at 30 but the truth is, I can't even draw a picture of the groom-to-be in my head. I've always been unlucky when it comes to love. So, I dont expect to find a man that can totally change how I feel in the next few years. So, that leaves me 9 more years to be living the life I wanted. The 9 years of making sense in my life.

If we talk about wedding, I would like to have the nikah (solemnization) at home. The reception at some hall, and the catering would be from my mom's business of Nasi beriani Johor. That's it. That's my plan of a wedding. Lame, isn't it? I dont even know what kind of decorations there should be. Flowers and stuff. I dont care.

Marriage on the other hand, I have this sense of seeing myself in the future either divorced with a child, or single and rich. I own a car, 2 superbikes, and an apartment of my dreams. Preferably a loft. I can never see myself with a man in the future. I'm not being negative, I just feel like there is no room for a guy in my future. But that doesnt mean that I'm not opening up to anyone. I am, or atleast, trying to with Mr Handsome. Can't expect much of him, I'm just living the moment.

Language courtesy

I spent my Sunday night with Wank, Taha, Sai (Wank's bro), and Muzani after watching Arsenal and Man U's game with Taufiq, Farah and Caped. So we were talking about the most viewed video in Youtube. You know, the famous "Charlie bit me". It lead to the topic of how kids that small can speak better English than most adults here in Malaysia. It's a shame. Seriously. I know the environment matters on how a person learn their language, but it doesnt matter if you try your best and let the rest make their grammar mistakes. Don't let it get to you.

So anyway, I wanted to share about how these guys made me think of how language courtesy or in Malay "Budi Bahasa" affects a person's personality. Truth be told, I was sooo amazed by how they speak to each other. I always hang out with people not in the Subang group, so I forgot what made me love Subang. So yeah, they are so polite in talking. I'm speechless. This is them talking to each other, just imagine the way they talk to their girlfriends, OMG, it is truly one of the qualities of a gentleman.

When I grow up, I want to teach my sons and daughters to speak they way they do. To always be polite in speaking, to show that you are not some kid off the street and to show that you have the courtesy to be polite in your language no matter to whom you're speaking to. Language matters and good grammar is attractive. Remember that.