The bad habit

It all started when I was 16. The year that changed me. This was the year I was isolated from friends at school. In my school, the peer pressure is really tough. All people care about is being pretty and popular like it matters. I have been true to myself all these while. I never stopped being me. Expressing my thoughts and opinions, how I carry myself and stuff like that. When I was practically rejected in social groups at school, I decided to turn to something I know would never treat me that way. Ciggarettes. I started smoking during and after school hours. And when a friend of mine saw the cigg box in my back pack, she told everyone and that made my life worse. I had no friends, no one to talk to, and yes, I spend my recess at the back of the school building smoking.

Since then, I started smoking on and off because I want to gain back the friendship. But it lead to me smoking for good, and I dont keep in touch with my friends any longer. So, when I finished school, I lead my life according to me alone. No support system, nothing. I started appreciating myself and thought that no one can make me feel like I can never be myself. So, I did everything I could to build up my self esteem. I am now the person that grew up alone trying to figure out what life really means. But the habit is still with me.

Now, honestly, I have no regrets whatsoever. But the bad thing is I'm still smoking. It consumes me. When I don't smoke, I get jumpy and restless. My lips are turning black. And I just dont think I can stop smoking. My mom caught me a couple of times, and today was the worst. Its not that I want to break her heart by lying about smoking. But the fact that, she doesnt understand me. She didnt ask me what is going on, she just flipped and cried. I have a reason as to why I have not stopped smoking. Smokers know what is the reason. It's VERY obvious. It's addictive. I am so attached to smoking, it is all I think about when I'm dead bored. It's the guilty pleasure.

I would like to focus on getting my life back on track, build my parents trust, and stop all the bad habits. I don't know if I can do it. I need a support system. But as parents, mine dont know that. I dont need lectures from them. I just need their support. If only they'd understand that.